Thursday, January 28, 2010

Avatar and Carib Land Cinema's

Last night Anne and I went to see Avatar.
At the local Caribbean Cinemas.
I always wait until just before the movie get's taken off circuit before I go.
Then there are fewer people that can screw your evening up.
It is nevertheless a lousy movie house, even though the the complex is only 3 or 4 years old.
They got these seats that have been squeaking for years now.
Every time you lean back, "squeeeek" and every time you lean forward "squeeeeek"
All over the place.
It sounds like a convention of tree frogs high on methamphetamine.
And it's cold man. I mean really cold, like you got to wear a jersey cold, even though the temperature outside in 30C.
All the exit signs are drunk. They must be, because they all askew.
And there are mosquitoes in there. I swear I got chowed by mozzies in the movie house.

Naturally in Carib land there is no 3D, even though the movie is 3D.
Well I don't really mind, because if you got to see a movie wearing silly looking sunglasses on top of your normal glasses, it all sounds potentially very uncomfortable.

The show starts with some very bad local adverts like the one where they want you to join the cops, and they mention words like "integrity" "honesty" "reaction time" --ha ha ha .
This is from the people who have an answering service when you phone them at two in the morning.
"Press 1 if you have been shot" , " Press two if you are being murdered"----- I joke, but just barely.
There was more action in that clip than I have ever seen the cops do in seven years on St Maarten, except maybe when they escort some political cockroach to and from the airport.

Anyway, so the movie starts-- and lo and behold it's got Spanish subtitles--in big white letters.
Okaaay I thought, be positive, at least I get to learn a little Spanish in my off-time.
But the movie also has "natural" subtitles, like when the aliens wala-wala in their own lingo.
So there I'm watching a movie with two sets of subtitles and hearing English and actually looking at the background, all at once..
I tell you my eyeballs were working up a serious sweat but hey, they needed some gym time anyway.
And I love new experiences.

Now I'm always leary of these "big box" movies.
Especially when they get attached to the upcoming Oscars.
That most vulgar of Hollywood's institutions, where they spend a week in a hedonistic spasm of navel gazing and self congratulation.

Just like the Titanic movie also had a squadron of Oscar moths fluttering around it months before the awards were actually dished out.
I mean who in their right mind goes to see a movie where in the end you know the captain drives his boat into an iceberg and sinks the fracking thing.
All you had to do was pick up a 1960's Encyclopedia Britannica and right there in the "T" section was the ending, all neatly written out for you to read.
And of course notwithstanding the fact that you had to pitch up towing a U-Haul trailer filled with Kleenex tissues, because you just knew that 1500 people are going to croak and your little wife is going to blubber her eyes out big time.

OK, to be fair, I am a hard core science fiction reader.
That's all I read, so Avatar was worth the mental pain of going to a movie house.
Titanic was not.
Avatar is well made. The special effects are really good, fracking amazing, in fact.
The plot, however, needs crutches to hobble down the stairs and the acting sucks.
With some really stupid names, like the metal they mining called "unobtanium"
Unob fracking tanium? What kind of name it that?
We might as well rename 18kt gold "unafordablium", and 10kt gold "moreafordablium" while we about it.

But the special effects make it worth seeing the movie twice, if you live in a place with a good cinema
And then renting the DVD and copying it.
Juuuuust kidding. Sort of.
At this time it has grossed $1,900,000,000, and for sure it'll crack 2 billion.
That is a seriously large splodge of wonga.
You'd swear that 'ol James Cameron would say "Ok guys, that's enough money, lets use the rest to fund a new space shuttle"
Or health care, or Hans and Anne's next holiday or something.

But no, that disgusting wrinkled slug from News Corp, Rupert Murdoch gets most of it, since he owns 20 Century Fox, and (eeeuw) Fox News and everything else that Bill Gates doesn't own .

That sucks, man, that really sucks.....
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