Thursday, July 15, 2010
Rings and the Death of Mr. Palm
This ring was made for two sisters who both graduated on St Maarten.
This one for the other sister.
18 carat, white and yellow gold and diamonds.
This one for a 'Boatie'. ( someone who lives on a boat)
So it had to be practical, because boaties ruin rings quicktime.
What with all the winches, rope, cables and varnish they are forever using.
Dear Mrs. Palm,
We are very sorry to inform you that,
After a long and courageous battle with a mechanical
shovel lasting 180 seconds
Your husband succumbed and is now officially dead.
Fucked, history, dump material.
Please bring his will to your attorney so we can divide up his nuts,
P.S Please bring you cheque book. We need money for the removal
of his corpse.
The other day I asked Anne to buy me something quick to cook from Grand Marche, a local supermarket, because she was going out eating with a buddy that evening.
You got to figure what they put into this "food"
Below the unabridged version.
WATER, UNBLEACHED FLOUR ( wheat flour,malted barley flour, niacin,reduced iron, thiamin momonitrate, riboflavin, folic acid.
COOKED BEEFSTEAK, GROUND AND FORMED CARAMEL COLOR ADDED ( contains up to 14% of solution of water,salt seasoning [autolysed yeast extract, maltodextrin, natural flavours, beef stock, palm kernel oil,salt, sunflower oil, thyamine hydrochloride, beef fat, succinis acid], sodium phosphate, potassium chloride, caramel color).
CHEDDAR CHEESE (cultured pasturized milk, salt enzymes, annatto)
IMMITATION CHEDDAR CHEESE ( water, modified food starch, casein, soybean oil, whey, contains 2% or less of salt, sodium aluminum phosphate, sodium phosphate, lactic acid, sodium citrate, natural flavour, sorbic acid [ preservative] artificial color )
YELLOW CORN FLOUR SEASONING ( whey, cheddar cheese [milk cheese culture salt enzymes] butter milk [ milk, culture], enzyme modified cheddar cheese [ milk sodium citrate cheese culture, salt enzymes potassium sorbate] salt, reduced lactose whey, cocconut oil,maltodextrin,disodium phosphate,blue cheese [milk cheese culture, salt enzymes], citric acid, lactic acid yellow 5 and 6)
CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF: PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN OIL, PALM OIL. (with soy lecthin, artificial flavour, beta carotene)
IMMITATION MOZZARELLA CHEESE (water, palm oil, mozarella cheese [ milk, cheese cultures salt enzymes] casein, food starch, whey, sodium phosphate, salt, lactic acid, sorbic acid,[preservative], artificial color).
ONOINS, MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, SEASONING, (maltodextrin, salt, whey, rendered beef fat,hydrolyzed[ corn glutten,soy, wheat glutten], casein, proteins, onoin, corn syrup solids, autolysed yeast, natural and artificial flavour, sodium caseinate, disodium inosinate, beef extractives, caramelcolor, citric acid.)
SUGAR, PARTIALLY HYDROGENATEDPALM KERNEL OIL, ( with soy lecithin, citric acid as a preservative.)
DRIED EGG YOLKS, CHEESE SEASONING ( whey, partially hydrogenated sotbean oil, maltodextrin, cheddar/blue cheeses,[pasturised milk, cheese cultures, saly enzymes] salt, nonfat milk, sodium caseinate, natrual flavours, citric acid, yellon no. 6 , tumeric extract [ color],
SALT, DOUGH CONDITIONER, (calcium sulphate, salt, distilled monoglycerides, l-cystinehydrochloride, garlic powder, tricalcium phosphate, enzymes, ascorbic acid, citric acid, BHT)
YEAST,DRIED WHEY,SOY FLOWER, DRIED EGG WHITES.
In a space of 110mm by 20mm.
I ate one.
I did not eat the other.
I survived, but my liver wrote me a letter requesting that I stick with beer instead.